Your advice, please!

I will soon be passing my three-month anniversary and 100th post for this blog. Now is the time to ask you all for help. So here it is, “Help!”

As a blog author, I have searched to bring substance, meaning and insight to my posts in a way is helpful to those seeking to improve their inner and outer lives. Please let me know how I am doing. I am thinking of making a few changes to my writing style, but need to know what would be useful to you. Please comment on this post or email me at tillerheart@gmail.com with your insights. THANKS!

I would love to have any feedback, and here are some question to get you started, but you certainly don’t have to answer them all — this is not a survey!

• Content of the posts — are they pithy and useful?
• Writing style and voice — does my writing serve the message well?
• What could I improve?
• What would you like to read about that would help you in your life?
• What do you like best and what do you like least?
• If I moved the blog and put up advertising, would it make a difference to you?

When replying, it would be nice if you could ballpark your age for me, because I want to write in a way that reaches all ages.

Humbly requested,
SpaceAgeSage

Let your heart lead to your hopes and dreams

Deep within the heart, our inner desires, talents, wishes, dreams, and goals rest securely. Here the hope of childhood imaginings and the treasure chest brimming with boundless energy still flourish.

I remember growing up wanting to be a firefighter, a spy, a detective and an astronaut, even when such dreams were out of bounds for a farm girl living through the 60s and 70s. I still managed to become a volunteer firefighter and EMT in my forties, and I had an exciting time earning my 3^rd degree black belt, becoming a senior martial arts instructor, and covering many wonderful news stories.

Only recently has teaching made its way to the top of my dream list, teaching through the written word, more specifically. I find the words flow out of me easily when I write posts for this blog, so I know I am on the right track.

Rusty Road
The road here was not easy. We all cover or conceal our hearts and our connection to something wild and wonderful in various ways. Layer after layer of rusting metal hardens over our hearts because of something said or unsaid, done or undone. Some of us endured bad childhoods, some felt the whip of harsh words spoken right when we needed encouragement the most, and some just never had any one believe in them, so they have trouble believing in themselves.

As Dr. Henry Cloud writes in his book 9 Things a Leader Must Do, “One thing is sure: there is no shortage of things in this life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul.”

But there is hope! Cloud adds:

The truth is, however, that those who succeed in business or any aspect of leadership and life have not allowed those influences to keep their dreams and desires hidden. They dug them out, faced their fears, taken risks, failed, gotten up again, and found that they could indeed build something magnificent.

Our potential is there. We may need to use shovels, dynamite, or excavating equipment to uncover it, and then open ourselves to face the fears, doubts, and vulnerability that come with inner work, but we can do this!

POCKET-THOUGHT:

So much of who and what we are gets stuffed away inside, never to see the light of day. Embracing the heart brings insight and wisdom that allows you to free yourself from self-limiting thoughts because there is an inner child or inner self in the heart that knows life is meant to be fulfilling, meaningful, enriching, exciting, and energizing.

According to Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart:

You may not always be able to feel a deeper heart feeling right away, but stay focused in the heart. The sincerity of your effort can reconnect you to your heart current and start the juices flowing. To plug in, think of someone you love or remember what feels good, maybe a fulfilling experience. Feelings help you remember.

As you really listen to your heart, what dreams and goals and hopes yearn to come alive for you?

—

Photo credit:  speech path girl

Growing into your hopes, dreams, and wishes

Gardening always amazes me. It is filled to the brim with life’s lessons encapsulated in the growing cycle:

This morning, I took seedlings and replanted them in larger spaces, hoping to succeed with container gardening this year since our local soil is more of a lifeless, powdery dust rather than hearty dirt. I also thinned out the rapidly growing spinach. Later today I will buy some already started tomato plants. My green thumb doesn’t work so well with growing tomatoes from seeds.

Three things I learned from my garden today:

1) If you want to grow seeds, the ground needs to be fertile

You can be the best writer, computer wizard, or sales person in the world, but “planting” any of those skills in poor soil won’t allow you to grow your dream easily.

• Need more education to “enrich your soil” but no money?
  I have found the Internet is filled with just about any knowledge you may need. Bloggers are helpful people who can direct you to tons of valuable information.

• Need better infrastructure?
  EBay, Craigslist, and local discount stores hold amazing buys for basic equipment as starter materials. Sites for living and working on the cheap exist by the dozens. Always ask yourself, “Is there a way I can get this for free or nearly free?” because it opens up your eyes to once-hidden alternatives. (Hey, I dumpster dived for lamps, small shelves, and stereos in my younger days.) Buy better as your situation improves.

• Need more money?
  These are tough times, so you have to think laterally. Connect with family or friends who can help out for the short-term. Connect with people online who might support or invest in you, who might buy something from you, who can network you to those willing to fund you. Cut out those small things that end up costing hundreds of dollars a month or year. Freelance your skills for even small jobs.

2) If you want greater growth, some thinning must take place

If a too many plants vie for the same space and nutrients, they all get weaker, so some have to be pulled up by the roots for the others to grow well.

• What physical possession can go?
  Sort your stuff by keep, sell or give away. Most of the time, we only use 20 percent of what we have so why not chuck the rest? This clears the clutter and the mind, plus you might make a buck or make some lucky second-hand recipient happy.

• What attitude must go?
  As much as we like to blame others, we often get stuck in a rut or held back by our own attitudes or issues. If fear of failure or fear of success is your ball and chain, how can you expect to grow? If authority figures scare you and leaving a job seems too risky, how can you expect to find yourself, your confidence, and your dreams coming alive? If you find the world is “out to get you” and you blame “the man,” how can you grab life by the horns and make something of your ideas, hopes, and wishes?

• What people should I cultivate or let go?
  Friends who lift you up, inspire you, make you laugh and otherwise enrich your life are priceless. But if your “friends” have a greater interest in themselves, in putting you down, in making your emotions yo-yo, or in otherwise limiting and negating your growth, you may need to evaluate the influences around you.

3) If you aren’t skilled at something, let others help

Very few of us can do it all, so asking for help may be the very thing we need to feed our hopes and dreams with super-grow nutrients. Sure people can re-invent the wheel by trying to do things on their own, but why?

• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
  Assessing our skills helps us know where to focus. I stink at tech, but I enjoy writing, especially blog writing. I will keep my focus on writing and let my techie hubby help me in all things computer.

• What are my resources and sources?
  If I need the perspective of a 20-something, I ask my nieces. If I need how-tos on blogging, I first go to ProBlogger. If I need to know what I need, I go to Google and research. I find it is important to know the resources exist, and that I just need to find them. It is like when I first try a new computer program. I know what the last program could do, and I know the new one does it, too, I just have to find the right menu item or dialog box. Knowing it is there somewhere, makes me keeping looking until I have success.

• What if they say, “No?”
  I used to fear rejection, but 14 years of living with a husband whose motto is, “The answer is “No” unless you ask,” has shown me a world of possibilities I never knew existed. “No” doesn’t mean I am bad or they are bad. “No” doesn’t mean everyone else will answer the same. “No” is just a temporary barrier to let you prove to yourself that this is what you really want.

POCKET-THOUGHT:
Just as in the garden, moments and situations exist in the city, on the road, at work, and at home that can give us insight into life. We just have to open our hearts to the rhythms and harmonies flowing around us.

What has life taught you today?

- - -

Are you coping, self-medicating, or happy?

“Coke whore.” When I first heard that term applied to someone, I had recently moved to Aspen, Colorado, as a junior in high school. Just a country girl fresh from the farm in rural Oklahoma, I was shocked to learn that a coke whore spent her time providing her services for the pleasure of snorting lines of cocaine. These women aged rapidly with wrinkles appearing unnaturally early. As the band the Eagles sing about in their song, Life in the Fast Lane:

There were lines on the mirror,
lines on her face.
She pretended not to notice,
she was caught up in the race.

In the 10-plus years I lived and worked in Aspen, I learned quite a bit about those who become addicted to substances, to fame, to fortune, to thrill seeking moments, to attention, to risk-taking adrenaline highs, or to the fast lane. For them, the grass seemed greener on the other side or the world outside the window seemed more tantalizing than the love of home. All of them ran to something outside themselves to self-medicate instead of looking inside to heal their childhood wounds, to overcome their insecurities, and to face the reality that we all have to do our own Inner Work to become better people.

We all have our addictions, some healthier than others. I was addicted to the martial arts for years, and it did me more good than harm. Some people are workaholics at their jobs to the point of addiction, but they probably wouldn’t call it harmful unless it ruined relationships and health. I have family members who are addicted to being productive and proving their worth through doing. It doesn’t kill right away, but it has been known to cause heart attacks.

Who is a likely addict?
Many people who are substance-dependent or extreme risk takers often show an inability to stay calm, stable, and soothed. They don’t self-regulate their emotions well and are driven by their moods more than the other way around. Also, addicts don’t usually feel like they are in control of their lives, thus they feel they aren’t to blame. The lack of control inside and a perceived lack of control outside makes for two deadly dance partners who leave the addict stuck in dependence. Add the withdrawal factor — whether from substances, or adrenaline, or being put on a pedestal — and addiction becomes a very nasty ball and chain.

I once heard this axiom and realized in many ways it is true, “Happiness is directly proportional to the control that we feel we have over our lives.” If this is true, it is easy to see why so many folks aren’t very happy in life, especially addicts. (There is also the idea of letting go of the need to control to find happiness, but that will be another post.)

POCKET-THOUGHT:
We all have healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but sometimes we are blind to just how lethal or unhealthy our work-arounds, our wannabe ways, or our shortcuts can be. If people who care about you are telling you to change something in your life to help you become healthier and more sane, it might be a good time to listen.

I just found this quote by Virginia Satir, American psychologist and educator, 1916-1988:

Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

So, how are you coping?

—

Photo credit:  speech path girl

Dismantling the buttons people push

As I mentioned in the last post, when people push our buttons by disrespecting us or belittling us, and we flash to white-hot anger, it is probably because some sticky, unresolved issue lies right under that button. And most likely, we don’t even know the button pushers and the buried issues are controlling us and making us miserable.

So how do we free ourselves from the buttons?

According to James Tamm and Ronald Luyet authors of Radical Collaboration, there are two methods to manage your buttons: “1) Gain self-awareness about why you have the button, or 2) Try to get the rest of the world to always avoid pushing your buttons.” They then add (and rather sarcastically, I thought), “Guess which method works best!”

To gain awareness and thus uncover the wiring behind my buttons, I have tried their three-step method, and it has worked for me. This is not to say that I didn’t have to set boundaries with those people who push buttons as in # 2 above. I just decided I wanted to dismantle the buttons to avoid any additional stress in my life:

Step One: Remember back to a time when a button got pushed. Describe the situation, the facts, and any feelings:

When I was once told, in so many words, that my ideas for an event were stupid and “this is not how it is done here.” I was angry that the new ideas were so quickly tabled because of these fallacious arguments: “This is the way we have always done it and this is the way we will always do it,” or “I am the undisputed expert, so your words have no value here.” The conversation was dismissive at best.

Step Two: Go back over the incident and look at what you are telling yourself about what the other person was thinking:

I grew angry thinking that these people are purposefully belittling me because they deemed me “too inexperienced” to know what I was talking about and wanted to maintain their control over any and all decisions. I felt that despite years of service, I was not deemed good enough to really have their ear.

Step Three: Look deep into any roots of fear or vulnerability that were triggered by either step one or step two:

Tamm and Lyet write of this crucial step: “Usually it will involve the mirror image of the story you have made up about what the other person thinks of you. It may trigger strong reaction in you when someone else thinks you may be insignificant or incompetent or unlikable if you fear it is true … Hint: Usually it is a fear of experiencing uncomfortable feelings and/or the pain of some self-judgment.”

I realized the anger at being belittled stemmed from having three older brothers make fun of me growing up. Those early years are still with me in some ways, making me feel inadequate. I also felt unsure how to fully express my self on how the event could be so much better. Perhaps my own insecurities showed up more than I thought, making my ideas seem less valuable to them. Although I don’t like how it all went down, I can see now that much of the emotion of the moment came really from inside me. The other people were only the triggers.

POCKET-THOUGHT:
Most of the wiring that makes our buttons work hide buried within us, so it takes effort to discover them. Because my buttons come from a place of pain or vulnerability, it is very important to have compassion for myself in the process, instead of beating myself over the head with more belittling. It is a matter of unbending intention and commitment that takes me beyond the discomfort of dealing with the issue and into a healthier, happier self.

What is required for effective change is continuity of sincere effort to release and let go of inefficient thought patterns from the past… Sincerity means a deeper heart commitment to the task.

~ Doc Childre ~